My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
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GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
The Book. The Movie.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.