Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
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Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber