Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
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Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
sry
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Barbie gone wild
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
#MeanwhileinCanada
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.