Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
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Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Butt weight. There’s more!
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?