if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
You Might Also Like
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.