I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
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my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
tourist season
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?