Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
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I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning