My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
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Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Merica.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.