I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
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My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
A couple who are silly together stay together.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
This headline is a thing of beauty
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.