Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
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When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
I’m sorry…what?
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
why am I working on Labor Day
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.