Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
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My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.