Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
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Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.