*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
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Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.