Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
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[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me