Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
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Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”