Found my door mat
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If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.