fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
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You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.