Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
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I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.