[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
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The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Krampus.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
*picks up phone
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*puts phone down~me, doing cardio