Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
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My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
kevin is now a local weatherman
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.