“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
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Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.