Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
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Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Oceanography is all about current events
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center