[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
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I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.