I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
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Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work