The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
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We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.