Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
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him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill