A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
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That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else