Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
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me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
I found your tweet-up…
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!