Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
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I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
☺️
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳