imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
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Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad: