My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
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Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol