Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
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Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
lmfao
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time