I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
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Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Nothing.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.