Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
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This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”