no cat here
You Might Also Like
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
Has there ever been a more American story?
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.