Love this one 😂🧟
You Might Also Like
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch