Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
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Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS