The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
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Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar