One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
You Might Also Like
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.