We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
You Might Also Like
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Sorry. Not sorry
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.