me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
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Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.