Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
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We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.