Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
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Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school