And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
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Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Dance like you’re not the father
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
that colleague who touches your screen
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room