Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
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People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.