Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
You Might Also Like
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
this came to me in a vision
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING