Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
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Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.