I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
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Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes