My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
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Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Schrödinger’s cookie
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?