My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
You Might Also Like
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
🤣
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship